I get her internal monologue, but some physical reactions would be nice to read.
Very relatable character, though I’d like to get more of internal sensations when she’s see these people. Present tense works well as do the touches of humour. Well-suited to the stated genre though need to be careful not to slip into PTA cliche. Wonder if there’s a better comparison for the saccharin voice, that one didn’t quite hit the mark for me. Very different and yet interestingly juxtaposed styles in the ring here, sports fans! At the end of the round, it’s one point for Cha-REL!īreathless, fast-paced, suited her running into the school, though you’ll need to let up the pace a little soon, or it could get exhausting! The eye is drawn quickly through your extract and you’ve a nice balance of beats, dialogue and internal monologue. But it doesn’t hit home, and passing references to worldbuilding elements like “not in this dimension at least” should either be more fully-developed, if we are talking about literal dimension shifts, which would go well with the MC’s removal from reality, or else removed, if that’s not the case.Ĭha-REL swings again and again with solid internal monologue, if perhaps sometimes a bit too train-of-thought (“I warble, waving and then smacking my knuckles against the glass as I miss the door handle, and if I were more like Kristin my husband would probably still be around.” – where the hell does the husband fit into the continuation of that action?). Throughout the bout, MujerConHistorias pushes back, with a strong sense of the main character’s grief and fugue from reality. MujerConHistorias tiene historias, claro, y un estilo impresionante, pero empezar con el personaje principal al despertar constituye uno de los clichés más perjudiciales, que mejor vale evitar. Off the bell, it’s Cha-REL who sets the pace, with quick immersion into the character’s mind (not to mention her non-existant unmentionables).
It’s an all-woman head-to-head in the ring today, Jim, with Cha-REL in the rumpled yoga pants marching up to face MujerConHistorias, who looks like she just wandered in, but is ready to fight.
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